Byline: TOM HOFFARTH Media
``I'd like to be a fishing announcer,'' Jay Mohr was saying the other day.
OK, we'll take the bait. How would you do it?
``You say, 'And he baits his line and he puts it in the water.' Then you don't say anything for 45 minutes. Then it's: 'AWWW, they stripped his bait! It looks like he'll need more bait if he wants to catch it!' ''
The subject was TV sportscasters, the ones who Mohr more or less can tolerate when he sits down to watch something he's not already on.
Since the comedian/actor has morphed into the sportscasting business - he is a member of Fox Sports Net's ``NFL This Morning'' bunch, with his own show on ESPN starting in April - we're assuming he has some credible insight.
So we asked. And ``Slam Man'' answered. But with some initial hesitancy about slamming as hard as he might during a guest phone-in on Jim Rome's radio show.
``People take what I say a lot more seriously these days, so I can't just throw out funny things for funny things' sake,'' he said, an allusion to a quote of his about Dennis Miller's work on ABC's ``Monday Night Football'' that recently made its way into Sports Illustrated.
As he became disinterested in the Madden video game he was playing during a break in shooting promos in Glendale for his ESPN series called ``Mohr Sports,'' Mohr, who once played Peter Dragon, the film exec from the short-lived TV show ``Action,'' was ready to spit some fire.
Next week, our 10th annual Best and Worst of the L.A. Sports Media poll will be revealed. As a primer, we gave Mohr the floor for his thoughts about today's best and worst national TV talkers.
--Football broadcasters: Mohr recently said in SI about Miller: ``I think I'm of above-average intelligence and he loses me a third of the time.''
Mohr tried to put the comment in better context:
``Dennis is in a lose-lose situation. There are so many spinning his job in so many ways that even if the ship is righted, he's held under such a microscope. There's even a story in USA Today about how he mispronounced the word 'Maui,' the island, as 'Mooo-i.' It was obviously mispronounced as a joke.
``People might not know or care, but he's a great guy. And as far as my comedy, there's no bigger influence.''
As for the others: ``The Sunday-night guys, (Joe) Theismann and (Paul) Maguire always give me a good laugh. Boomer (Esiason) and Howard (David) on CBS Radio (for Monday-night football) are unbelievable. That's just a great program, sports or otherwise.
``Bill Maas is going to be great someday. And Jackie Slater could be the next John Madden if he's given the opportunity.''
Anyone you don't like?
``There's something about (Phil) Simms' voice that's somnambulistic to me. I'm playing the PlayStation game that he announces on and I gotta turn the sound down.''
--Basketball broadcasters: ``The worst thing that ever happened to Marv Albert was when he went national. It's absolutely terrible. I'm a Knicks fan and I grew up listening to him as a home-team announcer. I think a home-team guy should be biased. But then Marv screams out something like, 'Olajuwon from outside - Yes!!' How is he so excited about the other guy now?
``I can still listen to Marv the same. I don't care what he ever did in a hotel room in Virginia. It's so disturbing to think of him having sex that it's off my radar screen at this point. I don't allow myself that indulgence and my entire libido thanks me for that.
``The best basketball guy I ever heard was Doc Rivers (formerly of TNT). The first time I saw him, he was drawing a circle on the Telestrator around Penny Hardaway's butt, showing how it was the great separator between him and a defender. I saw that and I said, 'This guy is for me.' ''
The worst: ``Who's the guy on TNT that looks like John Waters? Hey, I can't watch the NBA much anymore anyway. When the refs call fouls and traveling again, and Shaq starts to land some overhand rights, I'll watch more again.''
--Baseball broadcasters: ``Vin (Scully) is the best ever and I didn't realize it until I saw him doing golf once. A guy hits a ball over the green and into the ocean. After this long silence, Vin says, 'My friends, that ball is buried like a deep, dark secret.' He never even had to mention that it was in the water.
``Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are also great, but maybe Charley Steiner is better. When he's on the radio, he's already got my stomach in knots on the first pitch: 'SWING AND A MISS!' ''
The worst: ``Tim McCarver can't say the name Williams. There aren't three 'e's in Williams. It's not Bernie WEEE-ams. Do it right and I'll listen.''
--Hockey broadcasters: ``I don't watch a lot unless my friends (Boston's Bill Guerin and St. Louis' Doug Weight) are playing. When the playoffs come, that's when I watch it more religiously.
``Gary Thorne does have a lot of passion, and that sells it. I'm really glad he's there. And I respect Barry Melrose for not giving up on the mullet. Now Randy Cross has one on CBS. Nice.''
Even nicer, Mohr hasn't tried to keep up with the competition on that one. He's funny enough.
SOUND BYTES
WHAT SMOKES
--Attention Jay Mohr: ESPN2 is using new technology on its Bassmasters telecasts (Saturday mornings, 7:30). Host Jerry McKinnis can now take his weekly guest for a virtual walk on the water - they can stand on a computer-generated map of where the fishing is taking place and analyze the competition with satellite information about the underwater geographic contours, showing all the underwater elements and locations. And we thought all you needed was a good red-and-white bobber.
WHAT CHOKES
--Anyone up to do Angels games for radio? About two months after the club lost Darron Sutton to the Milwaukee Brewers, Mario Impemba has left to join the Detroit Tigers. Impemba, one of our all-time favorites, will work with Kirk Gibson on the Fox Sports Net telecast, leaving the Angels after seven seasons. The chance to work in his hometown of Detroit - like Gibson, Impemba is a Michigan State grad - was a huge reason for leaving. ``I never thought he opportunity would present itself,'' Impemba said. ``That's what makes it so special.'' And such a blow for the Angels-game listeners. Because considering what paltry sum the team pays, don't be stunned if they best they can get on short notice is someone like Geoff Witcher.
--Even thought NBC already has five broadcasters dispatched to Chicago for Saturday's Wizards-Bulls regional telecast, the network felt it was necessary to also send studio pregame-show co-host Ahmad Rashad. The rest of the studio cast - Hannah Storm, Peter Vecsey, Pat Croce and Jayson Williams - stays back in New York. Wonder why Rashad would care so much about this game and not the Shaq-less Lakers-Spurs contest that'll be going to the L.A. market at the same time?
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``There's something about (Phil) Simms' voice that's somnambulistic to me. I'm playing the PlayStation game that he announces on, and I got to turn the sound down.'' - Jay Mohr
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SOUND BYTES (see text)
