'I'd like to be a fishing announcer,' Jay Mohr was saying theother day.
OK, we'll take the bait. How would you do it?
'You say, 'And he baits his line and he puts it in the water.'Then you don't say anything for 45 minutes. Then it's: 'AWWW, theystripped his bait! It looks like he'll need more bait if he wants tocatch it!' '
The subject was TV sportscasters, the ones who Mohr more or lesscan tolerate when he sits down to watch something he's not alreadyon.
Since the comedian/actor has morphed into the sportscastingbusiness - he is a member of Fox Sports Net's 'NFL This Morning'bunch, with his own show on ESPN starting in April - we're assuminghe has some credible insight.
So we asked. And 'Slam Man' answered. But with some initialhesitancy about slamming as hard as he might during a guest phone-in on Jim Rome's radio show.
'People take what I say a lot more seriously these days, so Ican't just throw out funny things for funny things' sake,' he said,an allusion to a quote of his about Dennis Miller's work on ABC's'Monday Night Football' that recently made its way into SportsIllustrated.
As he became disinterested in the Madden video game he wasplaying during a break in shooting promos in Glendale for his ESPNseries called 'Mohr Sports,' Mohr, who once played Peter Dragon, thefilm exec from the short-lived TV show 'Action,' was ready to spitsome fire.
Next week, our 10th annual Best and Worst of the L.A. SportsMedia poll will be revealed. As a primer, we gave Mohr the floor forhis thoughts about today's best and worst national TV talkers.
--Football broadcasters: Mohr recently said in SI about Miller:'I think I'm of above-average intelligence and he loses me a thirdof the time.'
Mohr tried to put the comment in better context:
'Dennis is in a lose-lose situation. There are so many spinninghis job in so many ways that even if the ship is righted, he's heldunder such a microscope. There's even a story in USA Today about howhe mispronounced the word 'Maui,' the island, as 'Mooo-i.' It wasobviously mispronounced as a joke.
'People might not know or care, but he's a great guy. And as faras my comedy, there's no bigger influence.'
As for the others: 'The Sunday-night guys, (Joe) Theismann and(Paul) Maguire always give me a good laugh. Boomer (Esiason) andHoward (David) on CBS Radio (for Monday-night football) areunbelievable. That's just a great program, sports or otherwise.
'Bill Maas is going to be great someday. And Jackie Slater couldbe the next John Madden if he's given the opportunity.'
Anyone you don't like?
'There's something about (Phil) Simms' voice that'ssomnambulistic to me. I'm playing the PlayStation game that heannounces on and I gotta turn the sound down.'
--Basketball broadcasters: 'The worst thing that ever happened toMarv Albert was when he went national. It's absolutely terrible. I'ma Knicks fan and I grew up listening to him as a home-teamannouncer. I think a home-team guy should be biased. But then Marvscreams out something like, 'Olajuwon from outside - Yes!!' How ishe so excited about the other guy now?
'I can still listen to Marv the same. I don't care what he everdid in a hotel room in Virginia. It's so disturbing to think of himhaving sex that it's off my radar screen at this point. I don'tallow myself that indulgence and my entire libido thanks me forthat.
'The best basketball guy I ever heard was Doc Rivers (formerly ofTNT). The first time I saw him, he was drawing a circle on theTelestrator around Penny Hardaway's butt, showing how it was thegreat separator between him and a defender. I saw that and I said,'This guy is for me.' '
The worst: 'Who's the guy on TNT that looks like John Waters?Hey, I can't watch the NBA much anymore anyway. When the refs callfouls and traveling again, and Shaq starts to land some overhandrights, I'll watch more again.'
--Baseball broadcasters: 'Vin (Scully) is the best ever and Ididn't realize it until I saw him doing golf once. A guy hits a ballover the green and into the ocean. After this long silence, Vinsays, 'My friends, that ball is buried like a deep, dark secret.' Henever even had to mention that it was in the water.
'Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are also great, but maybe CharleySteiner is better. When he's on the radio, he's already got mystomach in knots on the first pitch: 'SWING AND A MISS!' '
The worst: 'Tim McCarver can't say the name Williams. Therearen't three 'e's in Williams. It's not Bernie WEEE-ams. Do it rightand I'll listen.'
--Hockey broadcasters: 'I don't watch a lot unless my friends(Boston's Bill Guerin and St. Louis' Doug Weight) are playing. Whenthe playoffs come, that's when I watch it more religiously.
'Gary Thorne does have a lot of passion, and that sells it. I'mreally glad he's there. And I respect Barry Melrose for not givingup on the mullet. Now Randy Cross has one on CBS. Nice.'
Even nicer, Mohr hasn't tried to keep up with the competition onthat one. He's funny enough.
SOUND BYTES
WHAT SMOKES
--Attention Jay Mohr: ESPN2 is using new technology on itsBassmasters telecasts (Saturday mornings, 7:30). Host Jerry McKinniscan now take his weekly guest for a virtual walk on the water - theycan stand on a computer-generated map of where the fishing is takingplace and analyze the competition with satellite information aboutthe underwater geographic contours, showing all the underwaterelements and locations. And we thought all you needed was a good red-and-white bobber.
WHAT CHOKES
--Anyone up to do Angels games for radio? About two months afterthe club lost Darron Sutton to the Milwaukee Brewers, Mario Impembahas left to join the Detroit Tigers. Impemba, one of our all-timefavorites, will work with Kirk Gibson on the Fox Sports Nettelecast, leaving the Angels after seven seasons. The chance to workin his hometown of Detroit - like Gibson, Impemba is a MichiganState grad - was a huge reason for leaving. 'I never thought heopportunity would present itself,' Impemba said. 'That's what makesit so special.' And such a blow for the Angels-game listeners.Because considering what paltry sum the team pays, don't be stunnedif they best they can get on short notice is someone like GeoffWitcher.
--Even thought NBC already has five broadcasters dispatched toChicago for Saturday's Wizards-Bulls regional telecast, the networkfelt it was necessary to also send studio pregame-show co-host AhmadRashad. The rest of the studio cast - Hannah Storm, Peter Vecsey,Pat Croce and Jayson Williams - stays back in New York. Wonder whyRashad would care so much about this game and not the Shaq-lessLakers-Spurs contest that'll be going to the L.A. market at the sametime?
